yesterday. today. & tomorrow

We received some much anticipated news this week.  On Monday, our nephrologist's secretary in Minnesota called to set up a phone conference for us to talk with Dr. Milliner.  She had news about Lucy's genetic test results.  When Lucy was born, my midwife took Lucy's blood from the umbilical cord so we could test to see if Lucy has the same genetic disorder Claire and Benson have, Primary Hyperoxaluria Type 1.  PH1.  Odds for each pregnancy are one in four that the baby will have the disease.  After six weeks of waiting, we were anxious to hear!

Short and sweet the answer was Yes.  Yes.  Lucy does appear to have the same genetic mutation Claire and Benson have.  Yes.  Lucy does have PH1.  Yes.  Lucy becomes the one out of every 1-3 million people who are affected with this disease.  Yes.  

Sad.

It was a sad day.  I had the rest of Lucy's life to be positive and encouraging as we move forward with this new knowledge.  But for that day, I got to feel sad.  I felt like my hope had been dashed.  Ever since we decided to add to our family, the hope for a baby to be free from this inherited disorder had been present.  After nearly three years of holding on to that plea, it was lost in an instant.  After I heard the news, I told Jared I was going to go lay down for a while.  That really translated to hold my sleeping baby and cry.  

Jared asked if I needed anything.  The only honest, true answer I could come up with was, just for it to be yesterday.  I wanted yesterday back.  I wanted to still be full of hope.  I still wanted to pray that she would be free from this disease.  I wanted to go back to not knowing.  All of which was possible yesterday.  Not like today.  I didn't want to face the new reality of Lucy's today.  I wanted to look at Lucy and not have sorrow, sympathy, and pain at what her tomorrow would eventually bring.  I wanted to look at her with the innocence of yesterday.    

My sorrow wasn't that we had made the choice to bring another child to our family.  I wouldn't give her back or trade her in for the world.   My sorrow came because of knowing more.  When Claire and Benson were diagnosed, we hadn't yet lived through the realities of kidney failure, kidney stones, high blood pressure, dialysis, broken catheters, broken bones, blood work, urine collections, oxalate deposits in eyes & bones, medications, injections, infections, multiple surgeries, transfusions, and a transplant.  As these experiences flashed through my mind, it's nearly unbearable to hold an innocent infant and think of such possibilities.  Lucy's experiences will not look just like Claire's; nor like Benson's.  She will travel her own unique road that may or may not include our past experience.  But to be certain, she will have a road to travel.  And that's what brings such tenderness.  

And so I cried because I couldn't have the innocence of yesterday back.  It was today. 

I needed my today for mourning.  But the sun is always brighter tomorrow.  I would have been amiss to not hope and pray all my yesterdays for a different outcome.  But now that we know the reality of tomorrow, my hope and faith is still certain.  External circumstances do not diminish my faith in Jesus Christ.  I have faith in His power to lift, heal, bless, comfort, and provide.  It is sometimes said that we are never given more than we can handle.  However, my dad reminded me that sometime we are given more than we think we can handle so that we recognize our need for Christ and turn to Him completely to lift us through.  And that is exactly what we will do.   

I trust in a loving God who knows all--One who knows that when Lucy was conceived, the very gene in her liver was altered to cause an excess of oxalate production.  I don't know why things have to happen as they do.  But I trust that God does.  And that everything will work out exactly as it should.  I do have hope in a bright future for Lucy, just as I do for Benson and Claire.  We are surrounded by supportive family and friends and have loving, knowledgeable doctors and nurses to walk with us every step.  How blessed we are for these favorable circumstances on a difficult terrain.  

With the hope of yesterday…the reality of today is revealed…and our tomorrows will be different than expected.

I trust the words of one whom I believe to be a living Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson.  "The future"  …all of Lucy's tomorrows…  "is as bright as your faith."  With a name like Lucy, meaning light of the day, her future is looking very bright.